July, I pretty much forgot about it already!

Today is the 9th of August and I just realised I never caught up on July. Pretty sure nothing happened so won't be a long job to blog.

I've dug up this cross stitch that I lost the last colour for and repurchased a skein of it, so now I'm chugging away at it and making very good progress. Expect it to be finished soon. And then maybe I'll do some of that monstrous tapestry...

I have no idea when this was, but I tackled the question of freezing eggs. Several Drs have asked me about it, and maybe one friend, so I confronted it. It must have been the start of July. I luckily got an appointment the week I rang, thanks to a cancellation. I have really benefited from cancellations this year. I asked a couple of good friends to have someone accompany me and JK came. We had a nice lunch beforehand. Had a meeting with a fertility doctor and got the facts. On that day, I was really 50/50 about it. Kids are pretty special and I can put up with a month of unpleasant stuff to give myself the chance in the next year maybe if by some miracle I start dating. It was really good to get the information, the facts, instead of never knowing and always thinking, I could have had kids if I had been brave enough to freeze eggs instead of avoiding thinking about it. But it the whole thing is still just exhausting and sad to think about. The Dr said about half of people decide not to. I mean, having to make a DECISION is the hard part. It really weighs on you, and it was never my desire to make decisions like this in my life. 

Then we dropped in my admissions form for the hospital and that was that.

The next day I had the day off, it was a Friday, and this was planned because I knew it would be extremely hard and sad to process, and I always have a few days mood and energy crash after a doctor appointment. I cried in bed for a couple of hours, then went and got a blood test. I started to think about what I have always wanted out of life, and what my core feelings about things are, apart from this fertility crisis. And I started to feel like I wouldn't do egg freezing. But I had about 4 days until I got the blood test results and had to say yes or no, so I just let it percolate. 

I made some self care plans for the day. I arranged to visit a friend and talk about stuff with her, and do some homewares shopping. I had a good talk and cry with C. And then bought a lamp. And looked at sheets. I had a huge obsession with sheets, both cotton and flannelette. I went to Adairs a lot.

Over the next few days I really settled towards not doing IVF. Reasons: 

1. My ethos has never been particularly proactive in regards to marriage and children. I don't want to do online dating. I don't want to freeze eggs. I prefer to focus on the life I have and approach it with serious intentions and plans for my future as a single woman. It would be nice if my situation changes but I'm not really focused on achieving marriage and children. Otherwise I would have acted differently in the past. 
2. I'm single, not married and not currently trying to have a baby, so it is a lot to go through for an unlikely eventuality. If I was married and trying right now, that would be different.
3. The best case scenario was a 20% chance of successful pregnancy. I realised that meant it is extremely unlikely. Again, if I was married, a chance would be worth a chance. As a single person, it seems pointless. I am a pessimist.
4. It would exacerbate my endometriosis and have some risk of infection.
5. I got the blood test results and they were quite poor. Would get 3 eggs not 10. That makes a 6% chance I suppose, ie, in the end egg freezing is not possible. I was cheerful at the news as it took away the decision, but I was going to say no anyway.

So going forward, I am a barren woman. The next big question is how surgery goes, will I be menopausal or not. But until then I have a break from doctors.

What I have found some comfort in this winter is deep cleaning. As mentioned last month with the kitchen cupboard cleaning. I finally got my broken dishwasher out of my kitchen and I now keep my bins in the cavity. I had to buy a bit from Bunnings to cap off the hose. So I also cleaned behind the fridge and places like that. I have been working on corners of junk.

My new shoe area in the garage - where I always remove my shows before coming into the house now. I've committed to the system. (Note the dishwasher is still in the garage, have not succeeded in organising metal collection yet)

The general accumulation of life that I am working to tidy. Yesterday I finished that oil painting.

I did my first adult walk at Walka Water Works. It is now my favourite walk because it has really good birds. It often rains.

My comfort TV has been 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. It's a blend of word puzzles and British shenanigans. Sometimes I do the puzzles.

I did some "before and after" photos of my house based on the old realestate website pics when I bought it. 

My poppy garden is a disappointment, I must have made the soil to rich, everything is leafy but no flowers. Nitrogen can do that apparently.

This is my new work phone, which I used to do a lot of work calls for covid-19. It was interesting but after a day and a half I had a bit of a crash. "Debriefed" to an EAP counsellor. Was a bit of a zombie for 2 days. I've had too much of my own work since then to do more phone work.

I had my monthly cuddle meetup with Lucy, and lovely conversation with Luke and Julia. 

Picked up a job at work that required a trip to Armidale to video some cow stuff. This was my rest stop on the Thunderbolts way.

This is the freezing cold feedlot.

This is me looking at my work at the motel.

This is me zooming into home group from the motel.

And then I finished the month injecting my own zoladex implant. I was supposed to get it professionally done but the chemist talked me through it, it came with instructions, and I've done plenty of needles into my stomach, so I just did it myself. This is a monthly implant to make my fibroid shrink before surgery. Other than this, I'm on a break from doctors. I did have a clinic at maitland hospital, but I cancelled it. I've decided to keep life simple and not get second opinions, just go private with Dr Joshi and trust her. I mean she is going to use a robot so she must be clever.