June: definitely not having a good year.

A month has ended and I must blog. Just because.

Well, June started with an MRI on my endometriosis to gather more information before surgery.

Mum came along for this, but had to wait in the car for Covid. Then I called up the violin shop and went cello shopping. I spent $3000 on a cello, a bow and a case thrown in. It is so much better than my first buy. 

It is already so hard to remember what happened this month the photos I found are a surprise! G came up for a visit. There were actually a few social things on. We had a family dinner IN A RESTAURANT for my sister's birthday.

We also had a few games with a few church friends and I was introduced to the drink Activite. But we didn't do a lot and it was a nice relaxing weekend.

On Sunday i joined my parents down at my Aunt and Uncle's cabin at Lake Mac. There was some very tempting hard rubbish.

Some blank days. Basically my life routine is lots of walking at lunchtime, sometimes around my neighbourhood too. Monday I have cello lesson, then video Jillian with Ros. Tuesday night is home group zoom. Wednesday I'll just walk probably. Thursday night Christianity Explored zoom. The weekend lovely and empty. Sunday usually church youtube and lunch at my parents.

Had a few cafe excursions with people. There is a range of covid awareness practices.

In the middle of June I put together photos of my colleague Nathan to mark the 2 year anniversary of his death. We had a morning tea outside our office.

Not all that busy at work, just bits and pieces as needed. I've been able to learn Adobe Animate a little, had a day out photographic fencing which was fun, and the office has continued to be improved. The fluerescent lights were replaced with LED panels, and I was given the job of planning and purchasing office furniture at the last minute before EOFY. So it's probably 3/4 done.

G and me went to Tamworth. I stayed one night at her cousin's farm which was very interesting but I can't share many pictures.

Then I stayed 2 nights with EM, and I always love her house so much. If I buy another place my prerequisite is high ceilings and probably wooden floor boards. 

I was motivated to freshen up my house with some cleaning. I can't make my house bigger, I don't want to spend a lot of money on furniture, so that leaves the options of moving furniture around and cleaning and reorganising. So as soon as we got home I started on my kitchen cupboards and drawers. Culled some things I don't use, put most used things at top and front, and cleaned all the shelves and drawers. FRESH.

The other area I did next was my book shelves. They have been in the spare room for a few years, but I wanted to buy a few new books and no point stuffing them on dusty shelves in the spare room. I went through and reorganised and dusted and culled. FRESH.

I saw a lemon and pistachio (syrup) cake on instagram and decided to bake it. That's all the baking I did but it's quality.

I decided to buy some clothes from birdsnest. A couple of elastic waisted pants and a terracotta coloured cardigan. Refresh the colour and comfort of my winter wardrobe. Black track pants are my favourite pants though. But these are a bit more work appropriate and still comfortable for a sick person to wear. I just don't like wearing jeans and non-stretch pants on my belly any more. 

A health related high point: I didn't have gynae cover on my stupid private health plan, but my insurance company decided to backdate my upgrade to October 18 last year, which means I can go private after 18 October this year, instead of paying for private or waiting for public. That was the happiest day of this journey.

I had a gynae appointment and signed up for my surgery at the end of october. Got a pile of prescriptions. My mood went right down. I looked into egg freezing and that was even more depressing. The cold hard facts are, I'm single, I don't want to be a single mum, my reproductive system is old and destroying itself really aggressively, if I got 10 eggs frozen I would have a 20% chance of a successful pregnancy. So I have been accepting that my genetic material is probably not worth saving. I thought I was prepared to accept never having kids as my body just got old naturally, but it has been really tough facing it as a series of decisions and procedures. I have to decide if 20% chance is worth 2 weeks of hormone injections that will have bad side effects on my endo. That sucks. However, I'm glad I faced up and went to a clinic, it was good to get information instead of people suggesting it and me always wondering. 

These things are really heavy to do alone. Every decision is on me. Nobody else I know has been in this position. As far as I know, I'm the oldest woman at church without kids. The only woman over 30 who isn't a mum. Or at work either for that matter. A few days ago I had to make a list of my best friends who are single (but spread out all over the place) to have that encouragement that it is a shared situation. 

For various reasons I have not had a huge support group so far. My parents, and G and E on Whatsapp, followed by JK (who came to the IVF clinic with me), and A at work, have been the people I have been updating and crying at. I think social distancing has been unhelpful here. If I was at home group I would have private conversations with friends at different points. I do not want to make an announcement to the whole group on zoom. So I've been waiting for those 1-1 conversations and messages. A dinner at J and T's house was a highlight and it felt so good to have real conversation about life.

Eventually I did an instagram story post about stuff, because instagram is most of my good friends and social network, and it sort of gets dishonest to just post lovely flowers and brunches all the time, even though I want to share the bright spots and not complain or overshare, I wanted people to know there is a lot of tough stuff happening. So there was a 24 hour window for people to catch up and that has been good because when I went to a Hamilton movie night people could say "How are you?" knowing the answer won't be "Great thanks!" and I don't have to moan at them either.

So anyway, the start of July has been the pit of confronting my infertility sooner than expected. I took Friday off because I knew I'd be sad after the Thursday IVF appointment. I woke up at 5:30 worried about whether I should freeze the eggs. Had to wait until time to get the blood test that I need for that. Got sadder and sadder with the anxiety so had cried a lot by 8:30. Got blood test. Had breakfast. Watched 8 out of 10 cats does countdown and probably did something on the couch. Went to Cass in the afternoon for a cup of tea and a cry. Went to the homemaker shops and did some long-delayed-gratification slash retail therapy shopping. I bought a lamp for my music room and a couple of cushions, and went to bunnings and got some things to help remove my broken dishwasher.

It was a hard day, and I think I started to lean towards not freezing eggs and grieving. Saturday was less intensely sad, I had a fun brunch at Morpeth and looked at paintings, and then I spent more time on the couch working through a pile of papers and mail, scanning and binning, and got rid of the broken dishwasher. Parents came over and T from HG came over so some more sharing and crying. Then went to friend's to watch Hamilton.

I still have to actually let the IVF doctor know my decision when the blood test comes back. I suppose I could go ahead and do it, I was very 50/50 on the day I talked to her. But I think now I'm exhausted of it all, and why do it? I'm single and always have been and it's very unlikely to change in the next 2 years and meanwhile the endo is destroying everything quite aggressively. I don't know what I'll have left after this surgery let alone if I need another one in 12-24 months. I should probably let it go, and just aim to continue my excellent single and childless life. Anyway it's a decision to make, and then more stuff and then surgery so it's not a good year for me (again).

I reckon I've had 3 bad years in a row. But that's relative, I have a very blessed life and the worst things haven't happened. Everyone else in the family is healthy, my family and friends have jobs. I mean even though I'm sick, in a way I'm lucky it's my reproductive organs and not the organs I'm actually using daily. That would be really bad. I'm in the pit now because I've had a lot of appointments in the last 2 weeks and had to confront a lot of stuff, but I always forget about it and have a nice life until the next appointment. So look forward to a lot of poppy photos in the next few months.