I actually had fairly nice things planned in March! I was looking forward to taking 4 days off before the easter long weekend to spend my birthday in Sydney and do my favourite Sydney things and have dinner with Sydney friends. And It's the month to do garden things. Anyhow this is how it went down.
R and I did a trip to Bunnings to buy timber and get it cut for our gardens. I figured I should replace the last original garden in my backyard with a raised wooden one to match everything else. And it’s nice to have company when you go to the trade part of Bunnings because it’s scary and heavy lifting.
I went to a music practice for a combined band for our church weekend in April. Filled my month in with a lot of music practices scheduled.
On Tuesday 6th, a little while after I got out of bed for the bathroom and hopped back in to check instagram, I had burning pain in my stomach. It was quite bad, I had to hunch over and say ‘owww, owww, owww’. It faded away, and I messaged the G, E and JK WhatsApp group about it and said I would go to the doctor about it, which is an extreme response for me.
However the doctor wasn’t open until 8:30, so I went to work. My GP wasn’t in on Tuesday, so I was tossing up what to do, and then the pain started to come back, so I called a 1800 number for nurse advice, and it was getting worse while I was talking, so I was crying a bit partly from pain partly from anxiety, and the nurse said I should get someone to drive me to hospital. So I asked K to drive me.
I was OK in the car, but walking hurt so much I was “distressed” when I arrived, and thankfully emergency room was empty. It was 10:30 when I got there. K took my car back to work. I got put in a bed, with a gown on, but they didn’t give me any drugs for a while so I was in a lot of pain, all I could do was sit there and cry. Eventually a nurse gave me 6 tablets and I was able to lie down and not cry. I texted mum and when she got the text she rang up and offered to come in, and then she came, which was good because she helped me to the bathroom. Then dad came too. I had a canula for fluids. I had some lovely nurses and a lovely handsome irish doctor.
Mid afternoon I had ultrasounds. I could tell they were taking a lot of pictures so I guessed they were finding cysts, which wasn’t too worrying, because I have a cyst in my sinus and I can’t even feel it, and I know a lot of women have endometriosis, so that was what I guessed. Then they did an internal ultrasound as well. Then I got rolled back to emergency in my bed, and another doctor asked to do another ultrasound “for practice” there in bed, he rolled one into the room and had a look. He was handsome but had a very abrupt manner, and told me I had cysts on my right ovary. So OK. Then the nice irish doctor came back and gave me a bit more information, and said I was going to have a CT scan next.
I struggled a bit more with the CT because it was evening by then, I was tired and cold and the fluid went in through my hand canula which hurt a bit. From there I was rolled up to the maternity ward because the gynaecologists were taking over.
I was set up in a shared room with mum and dad and 2 other patients curtained off, and I ate a sandwich and juice which was my first food all day. Then 2 gynocologists came in and told us they thought I probably have ovarian cancer. They were going to get me an appointment at newcastle with a gynae oncologist. All my other organs seemed OK on the CT, but with a lot of ovarian cysts and cancer markers in my blood tests, ovarian cancer was the diagnosis for now.
They moved me into a single room. I slept on and off. I had endone before I went to sleep but I woke up a lot. I had a sore back at one time because I had been lying on my back for so long, so I was given a heat pack. I listened to podcasts mostly when I woke up, which is the good thing about a single room, as well as the closer bathroom.
This is the podcast I remember listening to when I couldn't sleep in hospital. It's an annual roundtable discussion of the movie Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. Currently 3 episodes. I can't wait for the next one, Thanksgiving 2018.
I was very sad in the morning. The stomach pain was naturally decreasing, but I was wrecked and sore and sad. My sister J came at 9:30, with some flowers, biscuits and a sudoku book. She has been in hospital before, so she knew exactly what to do. Mum came, and then our pastor Roger. It was a bleak morning. I was told I would be discharged and then go to John Hunter Hospital on Thursday to the gynae oncology clinic. J drove me home and I had a bit of a sleep and then she left.
Wednesday Thursday Friday were pretty sad days, but I was starting to feel physically better. I just had to feel sad in the mornings. What if I die. What if I lose my ovaries and have early menopause. What if my hair falls out. I had messages from friends, flowers, and a few friends visited and were lovely and prayed for me.
On Thursday afternoon mum and dad took me to the gynae oncology clinic at John Hunter (we got an appointment in the same week which was amazing), and we met Dr J, he had a bit of an examination and talked about surgery. The thing is you can’t be 100% sure of ovarian cancer until you get cut open and they do a biopsy called a frozen sample, so the surgery form I signed consented to everything from a keyhole to a big operation where they could take out my whole reproductive parts and whatever parts of my bowel and stomach lining were affected. Basically look inside and then if it’s cancer, go ahead and do what needs to be done right then. Dr J asked if I had been to Africa, and yes I went in 2012, which made pelvic TB an alternative possibility! The woman who runs the clinic talked through surgery a bit, like catheters and compression stockings, and I mentioned that I had a sore leg that day. Like a cramp in my right calf. So they sent me to the other end of the hospital to ultrasound my leg, and I had 2 blood clots in my calf! DVT from not having stockings in Maitland Hospital. I went back to the GO clinic and got a prescription for clexane injections, and they showed me how to inject myself. So that was a very full afternoon. I felt like laksa for dinner, but my stomach wasn’t up to it, I was having a bit of nausea still.
On Friday dad called work to let them know I wasn’t coming back for a little while, and they were really good.
E and JK visited on the weekend. I was really fragile and didn’t want to leave the house or eat or do anything fun, but anyway we went out to lunch at Morpeth and I ate a chicken salad. On Sunday I decided not to worry because there was nothing I could do, I was just waiting to hear about surgery and see my GP so on Sunday I decided I might as well forget about worrying and I probably watched Netflix.
I called JH admissions back on Monday (I missed their call on Friday because I had phone overload and put it away for a while) and they told me my operation was booked in quite quickly, Wednesday 21st, so only about 2 weeks between first pain and surgery. So I knew I had a bit over a week to fill in. Mum took me to the GP on Monday morning as well, and I asked all my questions I had written down in the last few days. And after that, I felt quite a lot better. I had my GP, I had my operation date, and I wasn’t in pain at all again. It was just a matter of filling in the days. I decided to have a couple of days at home, and then go in to work and see people and work some half days. I had a podiatry appointment on Thursday, as well as a half dose iron infusion at my GP.
Found this nice park at the carpark behind my GP, where I waited for my appointment, with an urn of tea and some apricot coconut slice that Emma made.
On the weekend, sister H visited from Brisbane, and D visited from Sydney, and we went to the ocean baths for a swim. I really wanted to have a nice swim and a relaxing weekend before surgery and whatever treatment.
And D motivated me to do all the autumn gardening that I wished I could get done, we spread compost and even built a small garden with the timber I had got cut from Bunnings just before I got sick. It was a hot day, but we got it all done in 3 hours in the morning.
I worked on Monday, and had my cello lesson, then on Tuesday mum took me in for a pre op clinic where they do basic tests and you talk to an aneasthatist.
I went to a nursery in Gateshead with mum, we had morning tea, and I bought another packet of wallgarden pots and also this pot for my new cyclamen in my bathroom.
On Wednesday 21st, my operation was scheduled for 2:30, and I had to go in at 11:30. I had to have a shower with special antiseptic wash at home before I left. It was a bad storm day so we left very early in case roads were flooded. It was a very miserable day. Waiting here, waiting there, not eating or drinking, getting stressed and crying, doing sudoku puzzles, waiting and waiting. At 4:30, we got sent home because the case before us was complicated and going over time. I wasn’t upset, just tired. It was anticlimactic. We ate some terrible food at the cafeteria and drove home in the storm.
I bought this youfoodz meal for dinner that night, which is of note, because one of the themes of March was youfoodz. I gave a week's worth of youfoodz to a sick friend, and we all tried youfoodz and reviewed the meals to each other. This noodle dish was too sweet, would not repurchase.
So then I got a call the next day, I was booked in again for the following Wednesday, 28th. So, a similar week, filling in the days. My colleague at work who has cancer told me cancer is a mind game more than anything. I was depressed on Friday about going through another agonosing day waiting for surgery, but that passed. I did nice things. I bought plants for my new garden.
I planted and put up my newest section of wallgarden.
The exciting thing was, the final stage of the shopping centre Greenhills was finished and opened, and I had been a bit disappointed that I would be in hospital and miss it, because they went all out. Freebies, celebrities, fireworks, flowers. But I wasn’t in hospital, so I got in amongst it! I got a free burrito from GYG.
Not a video, just a shot of a boomerang.
Going to work and doing basic formatting work filled in some days, and of course watching Netflix. I was watching a show called Granite Flats, which is set in the 50s somewhere in America, made by Mormons so it’s very PG and nice, with 3 kids who investigate mysteries, and it’s also a bit weird with spies and military secrets, and also visually nice to watch because retro. It's got a nice atmosphere.
I also finished piecing together this blanket for a church friend baby shower which I was able to go to due to not being in hospital.
Elsie visited again on the next weekend, as a birthday treat, we had dinner with my parents at the new greenhills dining courtyard at Kinn Thai. We had gelato in Maitland, then came back to watch the fireworks but they were cancelled. I bought a bluetooth speaker, and got a free monogrammed phone case from The Daily Edited as a reward for spending $$. Highlight of the month.
Monday was my 34th birthday, and I wasn’t very interested in doing anything, because I had originally planned a holiday that week and a birthday dinner with friends in Sydney, so I thought might as well just ignore the birthday and do the fun things later. I went to work and cello lesson. But Kate brought in a nice cake, and I got flowers from work and from mum and from Georgina. R and I had dinner at Burger Urge at greenhills, as well as testing the nutella doughnuts from Tella Balls.
I was called on Tuesday afternoon, and they said my time was 1pm I think, not as early as I hoped, and also a different doctor, Dr Y was doing it, which was a bit sad because I hadn’t met her, and also she was only planning to do a laparoscopy, so I definitely wasn’t going to have a big surgery (due to the clot risk actually), that would happen later if needed, and that was quite a relief. I was much less anxious about surgery knowing what it was. All the various options at once was too scary, even though it is more efficient.
I was calmly watering the garden on Wednesday morning when the hospital rang again and asked if I could come in ASAP because it looked like running early. So I called mum and dad, and had my special shower, and we got to the hospital at 9:30. But then ended up still waiting until the original time. But we were much more chilled, just reading books and doing sudokus. Right on time, they took me to surgery, and I did cry a little bit then, but not for long. I waited on the bed outside the theatre, talking to Pip the chatty one and the nurse and Mark the anaesthetist, and there was a student doctor, and I met the surgeon Dr Y. It was quite relaxed. Dr Y said she thought I probably just had endometriosis, which is why she was planning the laparoscopic option today, and also because I had the clots she was leaving the big job for another day if it was needed because it was risky to do it with clots. The clots were gone, I thought, but they were still a risk factor. So it sounded like a good plan and she seemed like a good doctor. I saw the inside of a real operating theatre, I wiggled from the rolling bed to the operation table, the air-conditioning is very cold right in the middle where they put you, and I was talking about how cold it was and describing how funny the ceiling looked, the light mesh was floating, and then suddenly I was gone.
I woke up shivering with a sore stomach in the recovery ward. Shivering like mad. They put a sort of blanket on that they blew hot air into I think. I think it was 4:30pm. I was quite happy there. I had expected to ask anxiously what had happened, did I have cancer, but for some reason I didn’t. I just lay there and watched the nurses and waited to leave. When I was OK, they rolled me to the other side of the hospital where mum and dad were waiting in the gynaecology ward, and dad said I didn’t have cancer and that I had one ovary removed. I failed to show excitement, I actually never felt much joy at any time about not having cancer, either because of how I’d mentally primed myself that day to be calm about everything, or because of the drugs maybe.
JK lives close to the hospital so she came to visit as well. Mum and dad went home, and JK made me some raisin toast for dinner. I was in a room with 3 other ladies. My drain started leaking through the dressing and blankets. I had a total of 4 holes in my belly, but all very small. JK stayed for maybe 2 hours, and I was feeling OK just lying there. But later that night, the pain ramped up. I didn’t sleep at all. It hurt to breathe or move. The nurse Janelle checked on me, a doctor came and looked at my leaking drain, the nurse changed my messy gown and bed sheets and blankets even though it hurt to move, I got some endone but it didn’t help enough, the other patients snored, my back hurt, it was a bad night. I was thankful for my phone and headphones to block out noise and sometimes I even listened to my book. Headphones are a lifesaver in hospital.
I was feeling better in the morning. Dad came in at 9, JK came back too. Dr Y and her team came and discussed the operation, they were so happy it wasn’t cancer and also very proud of how well it went. I saw pictures of the cyst they removed, it was 16cm and grey and full of old blood. They told me about endometriosis and treatment for that, and how I’ll need IVF if I want to have a baby in the future, but importantly I have still got one ovary so I won’t have early menopause and I at least have the ingredients for a baby. The day nurse Tate removed my catheter and drip, helped me get up and get to the shower and bathroom, and then removed my drain. It felt good to be disconnected from all of the tubes. But every time I was vertical, pain in my chest and shoulders. Mum came in the afternoon, and I was resting a lot to catch up on the night before. Nobody was snoring and my pain was heaps less. Except for the shoulder pain when vertical! I was discharged in the afternoon, with a new batch of clexane to keep injecting, and some appointments to come back in May. Very uncomfortable drive to mum and dads house in the peak hour easter traffic combination. Had dinner and went to bed at 6:30. I spent a few days there, sleeping and eating and sitting and reading, and went back to my place on Saturday. And since then I have been recovering apace!
Little Ruby that Emma brought for a visit when I was back home on the weekend. I have a dog crush on the rusty cavoodle.
I am very thankful to God for my parents, my friends, my family, my housemate, my church and my work. Mum and dad were with me in hospital every time and visited me daily at home to see how I was. It would have been tough if I was sick and living in Sydney, 2 hours away, instead of 5 minutes away. But if that was the case, I still would have been OK as well because my friends stepped up big time! Friends in Maitland, Sydney, Tamworth and beyond visited, or sent flowers, or sent supportive messages and prayed for me. I collected bible verses that people sent into a note on my phone to look at to calm myself and remind myself that God works all things for the good of those who love him. My siblings and extended family reached out and were kind. My housemate kept an ear out, if she could hear “the brothers” (the adventure zone podcast) she knew I was OK, if it was quiet I was probably crying and she would give me a hug. My home group and those at church who knew prayed, offered to visit, and I had helpful conversations with people who have done hospital/cancer/hysterectomy things before. I’m lucky to work at Tocal, where as soon as I was sick I didn’t have to worry about my work, I had sick leave to use, and I could come and go doing what I was able. I've learnt a lot by having an actual serious health issue for the first time, and by being on the receiving end of so much love.
It’s now a month since my stomach pain incident, and a week since surgery. My stomach muscles are well recovered, I’ve started going for short walks around the neighbourhood, 1 or 1.5 km. I mainly have tiredness now. It was stunning how one day I was working, doing Jillian with my friends, and the next day I was sick and possibly with cancer. It's a strange thing to drop all your every day routines and not know what will happen next week. Now I'm in the strangeness of resting and working back towards all those routines when feel like forever ago.
This is the hymn that I found calming and comforting.
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?
"Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed,
for I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand."
"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
the rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
for I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."
"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."
"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I will not desert to his foes;
that soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!"
