August, winter to spring.

Hello readers! Spring is upon us and I have enjoyed it. 

I had a long weekend visit from E and I have no photos of us doing anything because we had a very relaxed time. We went to op shops, Kmart, Aldi, had lunch with Dad (see below greek pastry thing from Aldi), had a nice walk at Walka Water Works, and chilled at home a lot. Shared each other's online churches.

We tested out the local Vietnamese food truck that is in someone's front yard and I've never been brave enough to visit, it was really good and the owner is lovely so would repurchase, and have converted others as well.

Not much "deep cleaning" this month, but I borrowed dads gurney and cleaned my back step, freshened it up and moved the pots around and got rid of red back spiders.

I also finally got rid of my broken dishwasher! Got it collected by metal recyclers. Now I have a useful place for my bins. That took like 2 years.

This is my first public mask wearing, which was at bunnings.

My work friend A invited me and another colleague over to her place to have Raclette, which is a little indoor BBQ grill that you can put cheese in little pots underneath to melt. So everything gets covered in melted cheese. Neighbour joined us so it was a random mix. Great to see her house finally, it's a "shouse" ie shed house. A good hour drive away though, which is a beautiful drive, but I would be a hermit if I lived an hour away because I'm too lazy to go that far to see anybody. I live in the suburbs for a reason. 

My TV obsession in August was the Malory Towers adaptation on iView. Really well made, simple and authentic and happy. Good nostalgic escapism. I have also of course enjoyed the Bachelor franchise. Not that I like the actual Bachelor, it's the interactions of the rest of the cast and crew, and the recap analysis of the show on podcasts. Is someone a villain or is that just how they are presented by the edit, etc.

Health wise, I have been waking up every night and having a headache every 3 days. I thought I must be dehydrated or something so I bought a new drink bottle with hour markers on it. Finally at the end of the month mum said "what side effects does that implant have?" and lo and behold, headaches, bad sleep, hot flushes, etc etc etc. I think drinking more water helps, the headaches have decreased, but also, just good to know that I have only 2 more months of bad sleep and so on, it's not something I have to try and fix.

Tired of feeling too tired to exercise properly and full of bad habits, I decided to start going for morning walks. I usually jog a few blocks. I walk wed-friday in the morning, evenings on the weekend. Monday and Tuesday are too long to add walks, I need to save my energy. This week I was too tired on Wednesday (I woke up ok but body was achy and brain rebelled at forcing myself), walked on Thursday cos still rather flat, and walked with jogs on Friday. This is me not looking invigorated to be walking at 6.30am.

This is the lovely sunrise the first morning I walked. 

Re obsessions, I want bright clothes. I have, for the sake of comfort, worn a lot of frumpy dull clothes. Glad I bought bright comfy clothes from Birdsnest but I want more. My wardrobe has a lot of grey neutrals, which are practical, professional, soft on the eye, easy to blend and match together. What I suddenly want though is lots of clashing bold colours. I almost spent $300 on Gorman on sale. Then I had a fruGal assessment and decided I should sew something, so T found me a free pattern, and I got some orange cotton/linen on sale at spotlight, and for $40 I achieved a satisfying bright comfy dress. It has received compliments from strangers so this is something I should do more of. I will not reuse the free pattern though, it is somehow both tight and baggy. But now I've tested the style I feel better if I buy a pattern and more expensive fabric.

Finally, I saw Lucy twice! Once I rushed to my parents because she was visiting, and then last weekend I went up with my parents and had the arvo. There was chicken yard construction, and I went home with a kefir mother.

My current obsession is cutting out sugar, cos I know it made me feel better, but now it has crept back in all over the place. Honey here, fundraiser chocolate there, connoisseur because someone visits. Got some library books to motivate me. 

I'm also adding bible reading habits back in, now after work. And then after that I do cello practice. Getting habits right really helps get stuff done. But having energy helps too, it's a vicious cycle in Winter.

My garden is full of flowers, which I will post next month, although the poppies have not amounted to much sadly after all my labour hatching them from seed. Everything else is blooming though so I still have posies and the sweet peas smell gorgeous.

 

July, I pretty much forgot about it already!

Today is the 9th of August and I just realised I never caught up on July. Pretty sure nothing happened so won't be a long job to blog.

I've dug up this cross stitch that I lost the last colour for and repurchased a skein of it, so now I'm chugging away at it and making very good progress. Expect it to be finished soon. And then maybe I'll do some of that monstrous tapestry...

I have no idea when this was, but I tackled the question of freezing eggs. Several Drs have asked me about it, and maybe one friend, so I confronted it. It must have been the start of July. I luckily got an appointment the week I rang, thanks to a cancellation. I have really benefited from cancellations this year. I asked a couple of good friends to have someone accompany me and JK came. We had a nice lunch beforehand. Had a meeting with a fertility doctor and got the facts. On that day, I was really 50/50 about it. Kids are pretty special and I can put up with a month of unpleasant stuff to give myself the chance in the next year maybe if by some miracle I start dating. It was really good to get the information, the facts, instead of never knowing and always thinking, I could have had kids if I had been brave enough to freeze eggs instead of avoiding thinking about it. But it the whole thing is still just exhausting and sad to think about. The Dr said about half of people decide not to. I mean, having to make a DECISION is the hard part. It really weighs on you, and it was never my desire to make decisions like this in my life. 

Then we dropped in my admissions form for the hospital and that was that.

The next day I had the day off, it was a Friday, and this was planned because I knew it would be extremely hard and sad to process, and I always have a few days mood and energy crash after a doctor appointment. I cried in bed for a couple of hours, then went and got a blood test. I started to think about what I have always wanted out of life, and what my core feelings about things are, apart from this fertility crisis. And I started to feel like I wouldn't do egg freezing. But I had about 4 days until I got the blood test results and had to say yes or no, so I just let it percolate. 

I made some self care plans for the day. I arranged to visit a friend and talk about stuff with her, and do some homewares shopping. I had a good talk and cry with C. And then bought a lamp. And looked at sheets. I had a huge obsession with sheets, both cotton and flannelette. I went to Adairs a lot.

Over the next few days I really settled towards not doing IVF. Reasons: 

1. My ethos has never been particularly proactive in regards to marriage and children. I don't want to do online dating. I don't want to freeze eggs. I prefer to focus on the life I have and approach it with serious intentions and plans for my future as a single woman. It would be nice if my situation changes but I'm not really focused on achieving marriage and children. Otherwise I would have acted differently in the past. 
2. I'm single, not married and not currently trying to have a baby, so it is a lot to go through for an unlikely eventuality. If I was married and trying right now, that would be different.
3. The best case scenario was a 20% chance of successful pregnancy. I realised that meant it is extremely unlikely. Again, if I was married, a chance would be worth a chance. As a single person, it seems pointless. I am a pessimist.
4. It would exacerbate my endometriosis and have some risk of infection.
5. I got the blood test results and they were quite poor. Would get 3 eggs not 10. That makes a 6% chance I suppose, ie, in the end egg freezing is not possible. I was cheerful at the news as it took away the decision, but I was going to say no anyway.

So going forward, I am a barren woman. The next big question is how surgery goes, will I be menopausal or not. But until then I have a break from doctors.

What I have found some comfort in this winter is deep cleaning. As mentioned last month with the kitchen cupboard cleaning. I finally got my broken dishwasher out of my kitchen and I now keep my bins in the cavity. I had to buy a bit from Bunnings to cap off the hose. So I also cleaned behind the fridge and places like that. I have been working on corners of junk.

My new shoe area in the garage - where I always remove my shows before coming into the house now. I've committed to the system. (Note the dishwasher is still in the garage, have not succeeded in organising metal collection yet)

The general accumulation of life that I am working to tidy. Yesterday I finished that oil painting.

I did my first adult walk at Walka Water Works. It is now my favourite walk because it has really good birds. It often rains.

My comfort TV has been 8 out of 10 cats does countdown. It's a blend of word puzzles and British shenanigans. Sometimes I do the puzzles.

I did some "before and after" photos of my house based on the old realestate website pics when I bought it. 

My poppy garden is a disappointment, I must have made the soil to rich, everything is leafy but no flowers. Nitrogen can do that apparently.

This is my new work phone, which I used to do a lot of work calls for covid-19. It was interesting but after a day and a half I had a bit of a crash. "Debriefed" to an EAP counsellor. Was a bit of a zombie for 2 days. I've had too much of my own work since then to do more phone work.

I had my monthly cuddle meetup with Lucy, and lovely conversation with Luke and Julia. 

Picked up a job at work that required a trip to Armidale to video some cow stuff. This was my rest stop on the Thunderbolts way.

This is the freezing cold feedlot.

This is me looking at my work at the motel.

This is me zooming into home group from the motel.

And then I finished the month injecting my own zoladex implant. I was supposed to get it professionally done but the chemist talked me through it, it came with instructions, and I've done plenty of needles into my stomach, so I just did it myself. This is a monthly implant to make my fibroid shrink before surgery. Other than this, I'm on a break from doctors. I did have a clinic at maitland hospital, but I cancelled it. I've decided to keep life simple and not get second opinions, just go private with Dr Joshi and trust her. I mean she is going to use a robot so she must be clever.

June: definitely not having a good year.

A month has ended and I must blog. Just because.

Well, June started with an MRI on my endometriosis to gather more information before surgery.

Mum came along for this, but had to wait in the car for Covid. Then I called up the violin shop and went cello shopping. I spent $3000 on a cello, a bow and a case thrown in. It is so much better than my first buy. 

It is already so hard to remember what happened this month the photos I found are a surprise! G came up for a visit. There were actually a few social things on. We had a family dinner IN A RESTAURANT for my sister's birthday.

We also had a few games with a few church friends and I was introduced to the drink Activite. But we didn't do a lot and it was a nice relaxing weekend.

On Sunday i joined my parents down at my Aunt and Uncle's cabin at Lake Mac. There was some very tempting hard rubbish.

Some blank days. Basically my life routine is lots of walking at lunchtime, sometimes around my neighbourhood too. Monday I have cello lesson, then video Jillian with Ros. Tuesday night is home group zoom. Wednesday I'll just walk probably. Thursday night Christianity Explored zoom. The weekend lovely and empty. Sunday usually church youtube and lunch at my parents.

Had a few cafe excursions with people. There is a range of covid awareness practices.

In the middle of June I put together photos of my colleague Nathan to mark the 2 year anniversary of his death. We had a morning tea outside our office.

Not all that busy at work, just bits and pieces as needed. I've been able to learn Adobe Animate a little, had a day out photographic fencing which was fun, and the office has continued to be improved. The fluerescent lights were replaced with LED panels, and I was given the job of planning and purchasing office furniture at the last minute before EOFY. So it's probably 3/4 done.

G and me went to Tamworth. I stayed one night at her cousin's farm which was very interesting but I can't share many pictures.

Then I stayed 2 nights with EM, and I always love her house so much. If I buy another place my prerequisite is high ceilings and probably wooden floor boards. 

I was motivated to freshen up my house with some cleaning. I can't make my house bigger, I don't want to spend a lot of money on furniture, so that leaves the options of moving furniture around and cleaning and reorganising. So as soon as we got home I started on my kitchen cupboards and drawers. Culled some things I don't use, put most used things at top and front, and cleaned all the shelves and drawers. FRESH.

The other area I did next was my book shelves. They have been in the spare room for a few years, but I wanted to buy a few new books and no point stuffing them on dusty shelves in the spare room. I went through and reorganised and dusted and culled. FRESH.

I saw a lemon and pistachio (syrup) cake on instagram and decided to bake it. That's all the baking I did but it's quality.

I decided to buy some clothes from birdsnest. A couple of elastic waisted pants and a terracotta coloured cardigan. Refresh the colour and comfort of my winter wardrobe. Black track pants are my favourite pants though. But these are a bit more work appropriate and still comfortable for a sick person to wear. I just don't like wearing jeans and non-stretch pants on my belly any more. 

A health related high point: I didn't have gynae cover on my stupid private health plan, but my insurance company decided to backdate my upgrade to October 18 last year, which means I can go private after 18 October this year, instead of paying for private or waiting for public. That was the happiest day of this journey.

I had a gynae appointment and signed up for my surgery at the end of october. Got a pile of prescriptions. My mood went right down. I looked into egg freezing and that was even more depressing. The cold hard facts are, I'm single, I don't want to be a single mum, my reproductive system is old and destroying itself really aggressively, if I got 10 eggs frozen I would have a 20% chance of a successful pregnancy. So I have been accepting that my genetic material is probably not worth saving. I thought I was prepared to accept never having kids as my body just got old naturally, but it has been really tough facing it as a series of decisions and procedures. I have to decide if 20% chance is worth 2 weeks of hormone injections that will have bad side effects on my endo. That sucks. However, I'm glad I faced up and went to a clinic, it was good to get information instead of people suggesting it and me always wondering. 

These things are really heavy to do alone. Every decision is on me. Nobody else I know has been in this position. As far as I know, I'm the oldest woman at church without kids. The only woman over 30 who isn't a mum. Or at work either for that matter. A few days ago I had to make a list of my best friends who are single (but spread out all over the place) to have that encouragement that it is a shared situation. 

For various reasons I have not had a huge support group so far. My parents, and G and E on Whatsapp, followed by JK (who came to the IVF clinic with me), and A at work, have been the people I have been updating and crying at. I think social distancing has been unhelpful here. If I was at home group I would have private conversations with friends at different points. I do not want to make an announcement to the whole group on zoom. So I've been waiting for those 1-1 conversations and messages. A dinner at J and T's house was a highlight and it felt so good to have real conversation about life.

Eventually I did an instagram story post about stuff, because instagram is most of my good friends and social network, and it sort of gets dishonest to just post lovely flowers and brunches all the time, even though I want to share the bright spots and not complain or overshare, I wanted people to know there is a lot of tough stuff happening. So there was a 24 hour window for people to catch up and that has been good because when I went to a Hamilton movie night people could say "How are you?" knowing the answer won't be "Great thanks!" and I don't have to moan at them either.

So anyway, the start of July has been the pit of confronting my infertility sooner than expected. I took Friday off because I knew I'd be sad after the Thursday IVF appointment. I woke up at 5:30 worried about whether I should freeze the eggs. Had to wait until time to get the blood test that I need for that. Got sadder and sadder with the anxiety so had cried a lot by 8:30. Got blood test. Had breakfast. Watched 8 out of 10 cats does countdown and probably did something on the couch. Went to Cass in the afternoon for a cup of tea and a cry. Went to the homemaker shops and did some long-delayed-gratification slash retail therapy shopping. I bought a lamp for my music room and a couple of cushions, and went to bunnings and got some things to help remove my broken dishwasher.

It was a hard day, and I think I started to lean towards not freezing eggs and grieving. Saturday was less intensely sad, I had a fun brunch at Morpeth and looked at paintings, and then I spent more time on the couch working through a pile of papers and mail, scanning and binning, and got rid of the broken dishwasher. Parents came over and T from HG came over so some more sharing and crying. Then went to friend's to watch Hamilton.

I still have to actually let the IVF doctor know my decision when the blood test comes back. I suppose I could go ahead and do it, I was very 50/50 on the day I talked to her. But I think now I'm exhausted of it all, and why do it? I'm single and always have been and it's very unlikely to change in the next 2 years and meanwhile the endo is destroying everything quite aggressively. I don't know what I'll have left after this surgery let alone if I need another one in 12-24 months. I should probably let it go, and just aim to continue my excellent single and childless life. Anyway it's a decision to make, and then more stuff and then surgery so it's not a good year for me (again).

I reckon I've had 3 bad years in a row. But that's relative, I have a very blessed life and the worst things haven't happened. Everyone else in the family is healthy, my family and friends have jobs. I mean even though I'm sick, in a way I'm lucky it's my reproductive organs and not the organs I'm actually using daily. That would be really bad. I'm in the pit now because I've had a lot of appointments in the last 2 weeks and had to confront a lot of stuff, but I always forget about it and have a nice life until the next appointment. So look forward to a lot of poppy photos in the next few months.